“grow and learn, yes but also please have lots of fun in uni! ”
while i sometimes lament the lack of depth, as i sit in my room and stare at moments which held deep honesty, i can’t help but feel like this time, this hallowed time in uni, is slowly but surely slipping me by.
in all that i hope to pursue – to be better, to live a life of use, to grow – i remember your words and feel the acute loss of what should have been. dad, mom, and pretty much every adult who has graduated, all remark that uni will be the best days of your life but barring the few glimpses of unbridled joy, i can’t help but feel otherwise. is this on me? am i making it too hard for myself to just be? worrying about every tiny detail from the moment i get up to the moment i hit the bed again: why didn’t this person say hi to me, does he/she hate me? / this person doesn’t want to talk to me / find some way to avoid people, i’m so scared / why didn’t i do this for that person in time? / i’m not doing my best and i’m not making them proud / screw off demons get away from me / i must be better.
so yes C, i feel like i’m growing and learning, too much of it even but perhaps i forgot how to have fun in the process. maybe you just can’t have the best of both worlds.
i’m reminded of a time when it felt exactly like this… the closing days of 2013 as i looked back on the first year of my hwach life with so much left to be desired. it wasn’t meant to turn out the way it was going. a few months later God sent me a gift in the form of an OG that would quite literally, and single-handedly, set the hwach chapter of my life right. the inevitable parting that followed a few weeks after orientation was a strong, if not unexpected, blow to the soul. not everything amazing lasts. but the spirit and energy from that feu de joie, the nights dancing in botanic gardens, singing xishuichangliu in the central plaza would carry me through the rest of the year. it gave me strength to do my best to close out that chapter the best that i could, and make peace with whatever time that i lost.
will the same happen this summer as i meet a new bunch of year 1s, beaming with energy and excitement? i’d like to say that life follows great cycles and 4 years on, it is only certain that that should follow. but the truth is i don’t know. there’s only one thing i can do and that is to have faith. it is when one least expects that the glorious rays of the golden hour can come crashing in.
whatever it is, i hope that 3 years from now as i prepare to graduate i can look back on this journey and be at peace with what it was, knowing that what was meant to be, was.