Questions.

Some days I wish my brain would just stop asking questions and making things so unnecessarily complicated. Some days I wish that the answers to some of these questions were just straightforward.

But that’d be taking away from the beauty that comes with the complexity of life, wouldn’t it? But without losing that beauty, I still wish something would just give.

Nights like these I realize that what I actually fear the most is losing the people dear to me because of the differences we may have. It’s the utter diversity of people that makes me love life for what it is; there’s so much to learn from one another yet so much that is common across us all.

But I fear that one day, we’d think it’d be easier to just be with people like ourselves. That we’d forget the many other things that bind us – love, passion, hope, struggles, music, walks, laughter – because we’d think our differences mean we couldn’t possibly reach out. With the world becoming increasingly polarised, more us vs them, I’m really afraid. I really really am. Because, truly, what would I do next. I hope it’s just a short term reflex reaction but who knows. I’m not even sure if I make sense right now. I probably don’t but aiya, I’m really scared man, I’m terrified. I don’t even know what to do – I know I have to start with myself, and I have, but what if that’s not enough?

If life could just be a filled with a little bit more unconditional love, what wonders would that.

Something like what these two adorable people share :’))))

Or maybe like Mandy and Milo???

tumblr_ol2jv9C25i1vq7hgto2_500

(Sorry for the TIU spam, it’s just that kind of night)

Love. What a thing man. Explainable by science as something to keep the species alive, something chemical, yet still never quite enough to explain that racing in the heart, that little occasional insanity. The little hope that you’d see the same girl at the ICA passport kiosk helping people out when you come back to collect your passport so that you can talk to get to know each other better. Maybe not as something more, but maybe just as friends. And that’s enough still because isn’t that still founded in love too?

Just someone to lean on to tell you everything is going to be alright. For you to give a listening ear to tell them it’s going to be okay. It might be the late night speaking, it probably is. But I dream of a world where we’d all just be that little bit kinder, live with a little bit more love. We’ve all come so far, but for a thing as boundless as hope and love, there’s still so much more we can do. And I won’t stop starting that with me.

to live a life of use. to live a life of love.

tumblr_olg4l2dCL11vh6q4xo4_250

this scene wrecked me man o m g all the feels

// credit to the tumblr users who made the above gifs

only one

Oh, the good outweighs the bad even on your worst day
Remember how I’d say
Hey hey one day, you’ll be the man you always knew you could be

Hello my only one, just like the mornin’ sun
You’ll keep on risin’ ’til the sky knows your name
And you’re still my chosen one, remember who you are
No you’re not perfect but you’re not your mistakes

feels like a timely reminder to remember that i have to end this the way i started… as long as i have the intention to work hard and be the man i want to be then perhaps the stumbles, mistakes, screw-ups mean nothing.

some days it can be really tough… the tears seem harder to keep in and the weight of the world just seems too much to bear but i can never forget who i do this for. no matter how tough it gets, however close i get to a breakdown. i have to fight, with every ounce of strength i have.

they deserve better.

and so do i.

but sometimes i just wish i wasn’t this alone.

emotional

i wish i was less emotional… i can’t keep it in check, or control anything i feel any more. i don’t want things to change and no matter how much i try to hold it together i feel like it is all just too much.

i want to feel okay. but right now, nothing feels okay although everything actually is. and that’s only because i’m just so afraid, of losing things, of losing people, of losing myself. the fear is consuming me and i don’t know how i can get out.

i just want everything to be okay.

please.

i rebel

i’ve truly never felt lonelier my whole life… just so so so alone. and terribly lost and directionless. it really feels like everything is crumbling all around me and i’m completely helpless and unable to do anything about it except try to pick up each piece as it falls…

“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.”

i need somewhere new, some people new, just for a little while, just to find myself and be free (from the past, from everything)… where i can stay and not have to check my clock, where i can be spontaneous and not constantly feel like i’m screwing up or just being pathetic, where i can feel like everything is going to be okay.

but right now i feel that maybe i’m not destined for all this. maybe this is how life is meant to be for me. maybe there’s too much darkness that even all the light i chase may never be enough to save me.

i feel like no matter what i do or who i be, it might just never be enough. will i ever be enough. will all this effort ever count for anything. is there really any way back from here?

should i let this hope go or should i just hold on.

i want to run. but where to. but who to.

i really want to run.

please help, somebody please.

all i wanted was to be good, to be positive, to be kind, to live with faith, to never lose hope and love everyone. and to culminate all that in being ever grateful, no matter what. those 7 words was all i ever wanted to be… is it too late. was it too much. can i ever be redeemed.

tumblr_o59k54QGyX1r6s7m3o2_250

hanging on

hanging virtually by a thread. 87/90 down… just 3 more to go and hopefully many more cycles of the same 90 days to come. i’m still in this, i’ve just got to see this through.

remind me, God, of what lies on the other side and what i hope to become and what my heart truly wants and help me to feed the right wolf.