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i don’t mind being alone. i just do not want to be insignificant.

sometimes the things you want in life can be really simple – live in 1950s New York, dress up like it means something, listen to amazing Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong jazz, marry a Midge Weissman (and don’t be jerk like a Joel), pursue what you love

production design on this show is outstanding, i miss new york so bad 😦

recovery and collapse – rinse and repeat;

I haven’t been feeling myself lately. It’s starting to feel like that familiar cycle again and I really don’t know how much longer I can handle this. Just painful to cave over and over again, and then feel hope and rise and march on, only to collapse once more. Rinse and repeat. At some point you wonder, is authenticity of awfulness better or the desire to be more? Right now, the answer is firmly the latter but can I hang on longer? I’ve asked this same question before and maybe I do know the answer.

And it sure doesn’t help when it feel like everyone hates you. Deep down, a strong deep-seated hatred. Irrational it may be but boy the energy that it sucks out from daily life is immense. There’s just no room to do anything after… Maybe that’s why I feel so drained everyday, no desire, no drive, just nothing.

Fighting all these thoughts, all these demons, its exhausting. I wanna get better but the road is long, winding and painful. All I ask for God is the strength to pull through, to not lose hope, to always believe in the future that I know can be mine.

I can be more. And I will. Somehow, someway.

For the ones above, for the ones around, for You, for me. Deshi basara.

waking up slow.

I should be writing my essay right now. But instead here I am. Because where else would I be?

Nowadays, I realize that it is the small things that crumble the shaky foundations that I have built up. I’m not anywhere near being who I want to be, and that’s fine. But it is he small, stupid mistakes – knowingly or unknowingly – that completely take the wind out of my sails of progress. I just collapse. And I don’t do what is right to resolve matters, instead just scampering around to escape when the easier – better – solution lies just there for me to take. I just hope, and hope is all I can do after a certain point in time, that things aren’t as bad as I think that they are and that that there will be a day in the future where I won’t be so affected by the slightest of problems. That I will respond better to adversity. That I will just be a better person all round.

But that day is still far as clearly evident. That said, slow and steady baby steps toward that ideal is all I need to muster for now. Just have to hang in there with whatever it is I got.

Hope may ebb and flow, but I hope it never leaves me.

Questions.

Some days I wish my brain would just stop asking questions and making things so unnecessarily complicated. Some days I wish that the answers to some of these questions were just straightforward.

But that’d be taking away from the beauty that comes with the complexity of life, wouldn’t it? But without losing that beauty, I still wish something would just give.

Nights like these I realize that what I actually fear the most is losing the people dear to me because of the differences we may have. It’s the utter diversity of people that makes me love life for what it is; there’s so much to learn from one another yet so much that is common across us all.

But I fear that one day, we’d think it’d be easier to just be with people like ourselves. That we’d forget the many other things that bind us – love, passion, hope, struggles, music, walks, laughter – because we’d think our differences mean we couldn’t possibly reach out. With the world becoming increasingly polarised, more us vs them, I’m really afraid. I really really am. Because, truly, what would I do next. I hope it’s just a short term reflex reaction but who knows. I’m not even sure if I make sense right now. I probably don’t but aiya, I’m really scared man, I’m terrified. I don’t even know what to do – I know I have to start with myself, and I have, but what if that’s not enough?

If life could just be a filled with a little bit more unconditional love, what wonders would that.

Something like what these two adorable people share :’))))

Or maybe like Mandy and Milo???

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(Sorry for the TIU spam, it’s just that kind of night)

Love. What a thing man. Explainable by science as something to keep the species alive, something chemical, yet still never quite enough to explain that racing in the heart, that little occasional insanity. The little hope that you’d see the same girl at the ICA passport kiosk helping people out when you come back to collect your passport so that you can talk to get to know each other better. Maybe not as something more, but maybe just as friends. And that’s enough still because isn’t that still founded in love too?

Just someone to lean on to tell you everything is going to be alright. For you to give a listening ear to tell them it’s going to be okay. It might be the late night speaking, it probably is. But I dream of a world where we’d all just be that little bit kinder, live with a little bit more love. We’ve all come so far, but for a thing as boundless as hope and love, there’s still so much more we can do. And I won’t stop starting that with me.

to live a life of use. to live a life of love.

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this scene wrecked me man o m g all the feels

// credit to the tumblr users who made the above gifs

only one

Oh, the good outweighs the bad even on your worst day
Remember how I’d say
Hey hey one day, you’ll be the man you always knew you could be

Hello my only one, just like the mornin’ sun
You’ll keep on risin’ ’til the sky knows your name
And you’re still my chosen one, remember who you are
No you’re not perfect but you’re not your mistakes

feels like a timely reminder to remember that i have to end this the way i started… as long as i have the intention to work hard and be the man i want to be then perhaps the stumbles, mistakes, screw-ups mean nothing.

some days it can be really tough… the tears seem harder to keep in and the weight of the world just seems too much to bear but i can never forget who i do this for. no matter how tough it gets, however close i get to a breakdown. i have to fight, with every ounce of strength i have.

they deserve better.

and so do i.

but sometimes i just wish i wasn’t this alone.