this shouldn’t be breaking my heart.
but for some reason, it does. it just does.
this shouldn’t be breaking my heart.
but for some reason, it does. it just does.
“Well—I have to say I personally have never drawn such a sharp line between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as you. For me: that line is often false. The two are never disconnected. One can’t exist without the other. As long as I am acting out of love, I feel I am doing best I know how. But you—wrapped up in judgment, always regretting the past, cursing yourself, blaming yourself, asking ‘what if,’ ‘what if.’ ‘Life is cruel.’ ‘I wish I had died instead of.’ Well—think about this. What if all your actions and choices, good or bad, make no difference to God? What if the pattern is pre-set? No no—hang on—this is a question worth struggling with. What if our badness and mistakes are the very thing that set our fate and bring us round to good? What if, for some of us, we can’t get there any other way?”
The Goldfinch, Donna Tartt
The past few days have reopened wounds of the past that I’ve sought to heal. These are wounds that are self-inflicted. Brought about changes to my personality that I thought would bring me to the worldly version of the “promised land”. It took repeated blows to what I truly held dear to my soul for me to realize what I was chasing was nothing but a vapid joke.
And yet somewhere over the past year and a half or so I’ve found that the distance I’ve put between that old self and who I am now becoming smaller than before. Pinpointing with accuracy where that slow beginning of a U-turn took place is difficult. The foot is on the break but I don’t know if I can stop in time before the crash.
And so I often find myself questioning whether it matters who I was or, who I am now at this point in time, or is what truly matters the destination you are headed to – or at least trying to head toward with every ounce of energy.
What defines me? The intention and effort, or the outcome?
Questions swirl, and I feel disheartened by my slips and trips. By my being unable to fulfill the promises I make to those around me, and to myself.
But I refuse to give up. I refuse to cow to what is easy.
I will stay and fight this fight for as long as it takes.
Even if I never win, I will stay.
In recent times I began to wonder if it’d ever be possible to have a civil conversation again. Without getting swept away by one’s emotions and personal investment in a issue – to truly argue and reason your take on it without being presumptuous that your view is the only one that is right. So correct that even engaging is off the table.
Over the past week, I’ve become convinced that that it is not only possible but can certainly become the way of life if only we started by making a conscious effort to do so. In the discussions that I had, mostly at 4-5am in the morning, there was not a sniff of condescension or disregard for another person’s view and whenever things veered off discussion on the subject matter itself on hand, it would be quickly be brought back. And whenever someone wasn’t aware of the lowdown on certain topics, there were no remarks about someone’s ignorance. Instead, what followed was a genuine desire to explain things in the most factual manner possible that would allow one to form their own take. And best of all, people didn’t attempt to cover up what they didn’t know but honestly admitted that they didn’t and sought information to fill in the gaps.
I was stunned. But more than that, I was hopeful. That if we could do this on a small scale then just as it is in computing, we can scale it up.
More often than not, we see things from a very skewed perspective because it’s the exaggeration that drives people to consume media. If everything were objectively considered, that “excitement” wouldn’t be there. Stories of gridlock, apathy, ignorance – these aren’t the mainstream. A good part of us are willing to reach out and learn, and to find that middle ground. Now that does not mean to give up your views, but rather to subject it to moulding by subjecting it to alternate views and constructive debate instead. And is that possible? It sure is. It’s easy to go extreme, to let passion consume you, but it takes a lot more courage and tenacity to go for that tempered, more assured and united approach instead.
And in it, the complexity of humanity is revealed. It’s not binary. There’s infinite shades of grey in between that all of us fit into. It’s appreciation for that individuality, and collective whole that will make us who we are.
Cheaper and better,
the US in reassuring green and white it dots.
Starbucks sprinkled like treasure,
cuppa without second thoughts.
Where Lexington and 87th,
wood and Powermats,
java and chai
so did you and I.
Stepped not a foot had I before
on Manhattan shore,
yet here were my feet guided to
for one special morning brew.
Frappes same worldwide,
but those deep green Italian eyes
and hearty laughter of the Upper East Side,
swept the island counter sunrise,
sheer Lexington bona fide.
Siren Greek mythology I was not sure,
for in front of me stood in fact an angel
luring me from opposite the Pacific azure.
Hello from the other side,
sung her name but a single vowel changed.
Alas, gone were the days passports not needed,
horizons lay unsplintered.
For now Greyhounds, Southwests and TSA
were to be heeded.
Time from sand lay fractured
as whipped cream made the macchiato whole.
Out into the sea stepped my soul,
a part lost to that Starbucks store.
I do apologise
if the above is cheesy and sappy, but I figure if I am going to start this whole writing thing, then maybe it’s best that I do so from what I know best hahaha.
The above exposition most certainly did not play out the same way in the real life; it was what it was – a chance crossing of paths. But I guess what really got me to write this was just me wondering how different life would be if I was brought up somewhere else, if my parents decided to migrate elsewhere or even stay where they were. So many ifs arose after seeing the multitude of possibilities my life could have taken, but that doesn’t take away at all from what I have experienced and what I have today, and for that I’m deeply grateful. I’ll be exploring this further in subsequent posts with more depth hopefully than a unrequited-what-could-have-been poem.
But Adela, if you do see this, then just know that I really would have loved to have known you better. If only circumstances were different, if only I had more time.
This WordPress tab has been open since literally forever. I’ve been telling myself to start writing for so long but I’ve only just been procrastinating. I sometimes wonder if my words mean something else to my brain.
BUT, yet I’ve finally made it here and in my quest to improve my English and just generally improve the fluency of translating my thoughts to paper, I, from today, start my journey of writing frequently (and with a splash of panache too, I hope). Okay, I think I need to make this more quantitative – I’ll write at least 2 posts a week – so if I don’t please call me out on it, thank you.
This marks the end, for the forseeable future at least, of me dropping “YASSSSSSSSS” and “wewewewewew” in my posts (unfortunately) so as to up my English game. But to compensate for that loss, I promise to inject (even more) gifs to keep things rolling. And I guess this might also mean me stepping into a shell a little bit more often and generally avoiding speaking about personal matters, except in general terms. So if you’re someone close, or just someone curious stumbling on this blog, and who wants to find out more about what’s going on all you have to do is just ask and a coffee date it is (meeting more people and more often, is another goal of mine too).
That’s it for me and this post, which I think is justified given that it’s 4am. Why the sudden change and more will be explained in due course (though a coffee date will bring that info to you faster 😉
Love to all ❤
the demons demand your soul.
but stare them in the eyes you do.
damned may those demands be,
redemption it is you seek.
Some days I wish my brain would just stop asking questions and making things so unnecessarily complicated. Some days I wish that the answers to some of these questions were just straightforward.
But that’d be taking away from the beauty that comes with the complexity of life, wouldn’t it? But without losing that beauty, I still wish something would just give.
Nights like these I realize that what I actually fear the most is losing the people dear to me because of the differences we may have. It’s the utter diversity of people that makes me love life for what it is; there’s so much to learn from one another yet so much that is common across us all.
But I fear that one day, we’d think it’d be easier to just be with people like ourselves. That we’d forget the many other things that bind us – love, passion, hope, struggles, music, walks, laughter – because we’d think our differences mean we couldn’t possibly reach out. With the world becoming increasingly polarised, more us vs them, I’m really afraid. I really really am. Because, truly, what would I do next. I hope it’s just a short term reflex reaction but who knows. I’m not even sure if I make sense right now. I probably don’t but aiya, I’m really scared man, I’m terrified. I don’t even know what to do – I know I have to start with myself, and I have, but what if that’s not enough?
If life could just be a filled with a little bit more unconditional love, what wonders would that.
Something like what these two adorable people share :’))))
Or maybe like Mandy and Milo???
(Sorry for the TIU spam, it’s just that kind of night)
Love. What a thing man. Explainable by science as something to keep the species alive, something chemical, yet still never quite enough to explain that racing in the heart, that little occasional insanity. The little hope that you’d see the same girl at the ICA passport kiosk helping people out when you come back to collect your passport so that you can talk to get to know each other better. Maybe not as something more, but maybe just as friends. And that’s enough still because isn’t that still founded in love too?
Just someone to lean on to tell you everything is going to be alright. For you to give a listening ear to tell them it’s going to be okay. It might be the late night speaking, it probably is. But I dream of a world where we’d all just be that little bit kinder, live with a little bit more love. We’ve all come so far, but for a thing as boundless as hope and love, there’s still so much more we can do. And I won’t stop starting that with me.
to live a life of use. to live a life of love.
// credit to the tumblr users who made the above gifs
it’s been a while since i’ve felt like this. this stinging pain of being lonely. alone i can take when i can live with myself.
but lonely. i can’t… it hurts. it hurts so much and i don’t even know what i can do.
it’s just so tough. and it hurts. it hurts real bad.
does anyone know that?
i don’t know.
rather no one could be bothered right?
It’s days like these where I lose all control over myself that I feel like I haven’t really made any progress at all… but the truth is, I have. I’ve grown and progressed much since the early days of this fight. And should I give in now, it’ll only mean to say that I don’t respect the One who has enabled me to get this far, that I don’t respect those who I’m doing this for, that I don’t respect myself.
After all, it’s the hardest level that takes the most to overcome.
I can’t stop now.
Stumble and fall, yet I will not stop rising.
i just want to be good
i just want to do good
i just want to make people happy.
i am not a bad person.
i am not.