it’s about halfway through the year and the past few weeks have been particularly challenging so i think there’s no better time than now to take stock of the year so far and to remind myself of the things that i value going forward.
impatience and time
there’s just so many things going on it’s reached a point where i just want to get things done for the sake of getting them done. no point caring about the value of doing something, just check it out off my todoist list and i’m good to go. i signed up for a todoist premium account last year in a bid to improve my productivity but now its all just empty karma points that i’m accumulating for all the ticks i make. i just get things done and get utterly impatient when something derails my plan to get a task done. and these are things that i know to value but am increasingly seeing as an expense in the “material” world: taking a moment to thank God before leaving the house, a few extra minutes spent when my parents are showing their concern by talking to me about eating well, taking a taxi or sleeping early. these are things that i value. i can’t sacrifice these things for some remote and inconsequential material “gain”. i can’t. people, relationships, gratitude – this is what matters to me, at my core. i can’t let myself forget that. if it means cutting down the number of things i get involved in, adding more buffer time so that quality time is not forced into some stipulated 2hr on my google calendar, having an extra 20 min to wait just so that i can come on time for a meeting, meeting just one person a day so that you are not pulled in multiple directions, then so be it. show the darn respect for the things that you cherish and let the other things slide, they matter not. be patient, be kind, be balanced. stop trying to catch your breath, and just stop.
love and kindness
i just finished reading incredibly loud and extremely close and the events of the recent weeks have made me realize the importance of love and letting people know that you love them, in whatever form that may take. toward the end of the book there’s a few lines that really hit. for brevity i’ll only quote a few here: “we assumed there would be other nights … and how can you say i love you to someone you love? … here is the point of everything i have been trying to tell you, oskar. it’s always necessary.” i think since my time in army, i’ve become that much more unkind and judgmental, always quick to find the right answer no matter what the cost. i forgot what it means to choose kind. and the consequences of that have shown time and time again. but i know how it feels to choose kind. and so i shall strive, going forward, to choose kind. to choose love. no matter how long it takes, how much effort and wrangling with myself and intercepting the bad thoughts before they leave my mouth, i will not stop fighting for that because that’s what i believe in. we’re all just trying to make sense of this life as best we can, with the faith and hope that drives us as humans. if all i can bring to that conversation is a dollop of kindness then that is what i will do. as a friend would once say, “spread love and be love”. i just have to not give up in my search for the way back home.
it’s been close to 75 days since my last collapse. quite a remarkable feat given that i hadn’t expected a policy of containment to work but it has. most of the raison d’etre for the past 10 weeks have come in the form of a God-sent angel in my life who reminded me of what this life has to offer if only i don’t give up. it’s been tough since then, every day and night a struggle to hold on and ward off the evils that try to take my soul from me. but i fight, because that is what i have to do. i know i have to be better for the people around, for the ones Above, for God and for myself. i owe it them. all i ask is that You give me strength to see this through, and to do right by what is true. after all, it is always darkest before dawn and the demons go on an all-out assault when they know they are losing. and boy, lose they certainly shall.
this is for you, irtc. you’ve inspired this weary heart to push a little harder and to fight a little longer and for that i can never thank you enough. the people on the wall that i face have lifted me to where i am today and just when i thought i could go no further, God reminds that i can and that i must. i’m not sure if i can call this love, it probably isn’t and most of all i know this won’t work but i think i’m reaching a stage in life where i can truly say that i’m taking things as it comes. and just learning to let it be. it’s a radical thought, for me at least, but maybe its the only one that has ever mattered. i know not where this road will take me but i’m on my way and i’m glad to have met you just as i thought i could go no further. you’re a golden and gorgeous spirit that deserves nothing less than the best and i hope you’ll be happy wherever you are.
“So many people enter and leave your life! Hundreds of thousands of people! You have to keep the door open so they can come in! But it also means you have to let them go!”
somewhere it keeps coming back to this phrase. rise. i’ve been broken, battered and knocked down many times but i know one thing is for sure. so long as i keep rising, there will always be hope. the clover leaf looked like they wouldn’t make it out of the first round but they did, they’re up 3-0 now and who knows where they can go. c us rise. even if they don’t win, even if i don’t, there’s a lot of pride to be taken in getting this far and doing the best i can. to strive to live a life of use and to strive to be the best version of myself. even if i don’t get there, i’ll be able to look back at it all and smile. just. don’t. ever. stop. trying.
here’s to next 7 months and to whatever it holds. and above all, thank you for everything, God.
“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.” – J. R. R. Tolkien