recovery and collapse – rinse and repeat;

I haven’t been feeling myself lately. It’s starting to feel like that familiar cycle again and I really don’t know how much longer I can handle this. Just painful to cave over and over again, and then feel hope and rise and march on, only to collapse once more. Rinse and repeat. At some point you wonder, is authenticity of awfulness better or the desire to be more? Right now, the answer is firmly the latter but can I hang on longer? I’ve asked this same question before and maybe I do know the answer.

And it sure doesn’t help when it feel like everyone hates you. Deep down, a strong deep-seated hatred. Irrational it may be but boy the energy that it sucks out from daily life is immense. There’s just no room to do anything after… Maybe that’s why I feel so drained everyday, no desire, no drive, just nothing.

Fighting all these thoughts, all these demons, its exhausting. I wanna get better but the road is long, winding and painful. All I ask for God is the strength to pull through, to not lose hope, to always believe in the future that I know can be mine.

I can be more. And I will. Somehow, someway.

For the ones above, for the ones around, for You, for me. Deshi basara.


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