not sure if me reading this novel was timely or what, but boy was it a perfect reminder of what i have to lose if i don’t achieve what i need to by the end of this year. must rise above, be the person i was meant to be, be the person people would be proud of, be a person of use.
“You don’t want to let go, but don’t want to be hurt, either. It’s not a great place to be but what can I tell you?”
piercing words… even now i hold out hope for restoring everything to normal…
“You used to run in the old days and you figure you need something to keep you out of your head. You must have needed it bad, because once you get into the swing of it you start running four five six times a week. It’s your new addiction. […] You run so hard that your heart feels like it’s going to seize. […] every time the loneliness tears up in you like a seething, burning continent, you tie on your shoes and hit the paths and that helps; it really does.”
this paragraph is so haunting because there really was a time where I would run for her… a time where running for her smashed my own PB, where seeing her on my tiny polaroid that i stashed in my number tag would get the adrenaline pumping despite having flopped so bad on push ups that I knew i can never get gold… but now it’s just anger and disappointment that i messed it up this bad…
i want to know what it feels like to run for someone again.
(it really does)
but i guess its true that
“sometimes a start is all we ever get”. (just gotta keep going, can’t change the past but can still change the future)
some part of me longs for the old days… maybe then i’d strike up a conversation on the train with a stranger or two, where we wouldn’t all just look down but rather around, where i wouldn’t get stares when i was could studying my surroundings…
slowly and steady.